I Give Up
Updated: Jan 23, 2019
Relinquishing your control and recognizing God's sovereignty
You can't help God.
It was a hard lesson to learn but I think I might have fully grasped it just this week. For the last week and a half, I have been dealing with anxiety that I have never know that I've had. It has played out in my body in ways that I could never have imagined that anxiety could. I've had chest pressure, a racing heart, a numb arm, sensations flowing from my thighs to the crown of my head, tingling sensations, eyes blurring, tunnel vision, cotton mouth, a sense of unrest, and nausea. I've awakened myself in distress, in chills and thinking that something bad was happening or soon to happen. My first defense...to pray and get to a doctor.
This is a new season that I am in. I've never dealt with this before. I've broken down at work, in tears, blood pressure elevated and haven't had the slightest clue as to the source of these panic attacks. Waiting in the wings...my ram in the bush. The school nurse goes to my church and she prayed for me and read Psalm 107 to me and declared that the ground we stood on was holy ground. Indeed, it was burning but I was not consumed. And every day since January 6th, God has had rams in the bushes waiting for me...to minister to me.
Why all of this back story?
God has a very calculated, detailed, time-sensitive, strategic plan for our lives. I think of orchestral conductors. They are in charge of setting the tempo; ensuring that each instrument is cued in at the proper time so that the work that was put into creating a particular musical piece is executed with precision and genius. This precision is also for the audience that experiences the music. If all of the musicians with all of their instruments are following the direction of the orchestral conductor, then the hearers of the experience will receive the interpretation that the composers of the music had intended when it was created. This is how God works. He's the composer of your life's song. He's the conductor of the instruments that play specific roles in your life. All the while, allowing the song of your life to minister to the audience that is assigned to your life. He's in control. And sovereign.
At the end of last year, I asked God to help me to an instrument used for his glory. I was very mindful with what I was asking for but I didn't know that the next season of my life would turn my world upside down. Hinds sight is 20/20 and I take my prayer back. JK...but so serious...but okay....I submit. You have to be careful what you ask for because you just might get it. When I think back over the last several years of my life, I have been going non-stop. I have pushed myself to the bone, carrying the weight of life on my shoulders because I don't like to ask for help. If you read my last blog, you know that about me now. I've been carrying these weights around, and to some extent, wearing them as a badge of honor. Insert PRIDE. Yep, pride in this little ole heart of mine. I have felt in my deepest heart that I could care about the weight more than God could and if I just worry about it, then maybe he will bump my worry to the front of the line and fix it. Crazy, huh?!?!
I can't help God.
In early 2018, my son had a febrile seizure. We thought he was dying because he turned purple. In the parking lot of a Target, I was losing my mind because my son was in distress and I could not fix it. Insert rams in the bush, seemingly coming out of nowhere to help us. The director of paramedics in the area was just getting into his car when he heard my cries for help. The director of paramedics. Are you getting this? The director of paramedics was strategically placed there by God for us. "Cue in the director of paramedics," says the Lord.
Again, the latter part of 2018 had my in a tizzy too. My son was having trouble breathing in the middle of the night and 911 was called. It seemed like ages for them to get to us but when they arrived, my son began to throw up the phlegm that was blocking his airways. Insert help from God. "Cue in help," says the Lord. God reminded me of his faithfulness that night but instead of being grateful, I held on to the worry of these moments. I've lived in fear for a while now because I wasn't sure when "God the Terrible" would strike again.
Cue in anxiety/panic attacks in 2019.
I developed a fear of God and not the healthy kind. I loved him but I was afraid of him because I did not know to what lengths he would go to for his will to be carried out and how much of a participant I would have to be in it. I've struggled to come to grips with God's sovereignty. I can honestly say that this is something that I am falling in line with daily. It is not easy but it is necessary.
This new season requires complete submission and humility. I've had to surrender in prayer and in my heart. And please don't think of submission or surrender as "one and done!" Nope. Submission has to be intentional and daily. Sometimes, surrender is moment by moment. You have to surrender your thoughts. Surrender your ways. Surrender your control. You have to get lost in God's sovereignty. When you do this, you are giving up. And, you my Dear, are right where he wants you. This is when you allow God to move from composer to conductor. He cues in the strings to stretch you in ways that you couldn't imagine. He uses percussion to set the rhythm and color of your season. He cues in the brass to amplify your strength and the winds section comes in just in time to push you to your destiny.
There's still so much that I have to share and this is still playing out in my life.
To be continued...
Be the Light and Spread Love,