Oh, Honey I Need Your Help!
Updated: Jan 14, 2019
I want to thank my awesome husband of 10 years for sponsoring this post...insert huge chuckle.
I have a hard time asking for help. I will wait until a half hour past the 9th hour before I even consider the fact that I might have been able to accomplish more or meet that deadline had I asked for help. At home, I run my self through the hardwood floors to get everything done on my own. From the time that I walk into my house, I am on 1000%. No lie. I don't sit down. I'm cooking dinner, washing dishes, reading with Bella, changing my son's diapers, sending emails, and reorganizing the butler's pantry. All the while, my brain is sitting in the following day, folding laundry and "Marie Kondoing" my master bedroom closet. Who needs help when you're freaking Super Woman! Insert me sliding down the walls, melting into a heap of anxiety, frustration and burnt-outed-ness. So not a word but it fits.
Meanwhile, in the living room...my husband is"chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool." I think he watches me trying to juggle everything out of the corner of his eye. I know he's tired because he has to get up for work at 3:30 am and has long days working a part-time job as well. He's waiting for me to ask for help. Guess what? I never ask. It wasn't until more recently when I cracked under the pressure of trying to do everything all at once and we had a heated discussion. I conveyed to him that I was overwhelmed. He let me know that all I had to do was ask for help. I think this infuriated me even more. "Don't I look like I need your help? You see me trying to do it all by myself. You see me with these kids! We became parents at the same time. Why don't you ask me if I need help? Why do I have to ask you for help?" His response, "I don't think about you needing help because you seem to have everything under control."
Wait........PUMP THE BREAKS! WHATT????? Oh, I need you!
I've always been very independent and a self-starter. I believe that these are qualities that my husband loved about me, initially. He didn't have to worry about me. I would be alright. Since we've been in this marriage thing for about 10 1/2 years, he can't stand my independence because it causes me to suffer and not ask for his help. After years of him and I arguing about me trying to do things by myself, I've finally figured out that I needed his help and there is nothing wrong with that. He is there to help me. It's been hard at times to accept his help because it made me feel like I wasn't woman enough. I should be able to take care of our home without his help. He should be able to come home from work, kick his feet up and rest. I should be manning this house and wrangling these kids. I'm supposed to hold this house down with a smile and no stress. But, I was cracking.
Who told me that I had to carry the weight of the order of my home on my shoulders and do it on my own when I have help? I'm not Wonder Woman, nor do I aspire to be. I realized, after long and hard reflections, that I placed these unrealistic expectations on myself. Outside of those dated societal standards of women doing all domestic work in the home, I was holding myself hostage to my own thinking. I don't have to do it all. I can ask for help.
Silently, I resented my husband because I felt like I shouldn't have had to ask for help. He should have known. In relationships, this is not the case. Expectations, likes, dislikes and standards have to be clearly stated. It deserves a conversation without reservations, lots of listening, and a willingness to change. He and I talked this thing out because we were both tired. I shared with him what I would like to see him do when he gets home and we now have a much better routine. I created a "Honey-Do" list for the weekends as well. He's falling in line right nicely now...JK!
In your free time, reflect on the things you really would like your spouse help you with. Write those things down and plan time to share with him/her how you feel. Then, come up with ways to compromise and get things done in unity. I feel a lot of "Oh, Honey's..." happening in the near future.
Be the Light and Spread Love,